The Hidden Faces Of Gossip

“A time to keep silence, and a time to speak” – Ecclesiastes 3:7

One winter a few years ago I challenged myself to stop gossiping all together. To be honest, I thought I was doing a fantastic job because I never found myself talking about my friends. However, I got a huge revelation the day I went out for lunch with a friend of mine, named Ashley. We were enjoying our lunch when all of a sudden out of the corner of my eye I noticed a woman who I did not have a good past with as she was a rival of my squash coach/friend and was trying to sabotage our junior squash program for the past two years. Instantaneously I began babbling on and on about this woman and every mean thing that she has done to me and my friend over the past two years. Then it hit me, Ashley is not interested, she isn’t even looking at the woman, sighing or adding comments like “oh really” “Who does this woman think she is”. No, she didn’t say a single thing. All of a sudden, I felt embarrassed. I was instantly convicted by the Lord and felt ashamed that I was trying to get a reaction out of Ashley from a situation she was not even involved in. After an awkward moment of silence on my behalf, she changed the subject, and we talked about other things. To this day, Ashley is still someone I enjoy going out for coffee with because our conversations are real, and I know I will not be tempted to gossip, and being around her reminds me that girl to girl conversations do not have to revolve around talking about the ‘negative’ things in life. Ashley understood that in order to keep her peace, she had to keep her mouth shut and I realized how unattractive gossip really is.

“Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue, keeps himself out of trouble” Proverbs 21:23

Around the same time as I got this revelation from my friend Ashley, I began to exercise the power of keeping my mouth shut around my co-workers. The restaurant that I was working at had a tight core group of employees who seemed to get along and hang out with one another. So when our boss hired a new female bar manager, a few of my friends were threatened. I personally did not enjoy having the new girl push her weight around but I also realized that ‘micro managing’ was part of her job. Well it wasn’t until two days later that the temptation to roll the new girl under the bus came. Fortunately, I was prepared. While I was waiting for my table’s food two of my female coworkers started to bash the new girl. I kept my silence and continued facing the other direction. After one girl had left, the other turned towards me and said “Jayce, what do you think of so and so?”.  With confidence I replied “I actually like her, I think she is nice”. Perfect timing, I grabbed my food and walked out of the kitchen with a smile on my face knowing I was victorious over the temptation to gossip. I was instantly filled with joy and I could feel God smiling down on me at that moment. From that moment on those girls never talked about the new girl to me again. Breakthrough.

         Let’s explore the many faces that Gossip hides behind              

"Whoever goes about insulting others will reveal secrets, therefore do not associate with a simple babbler” -  proverbs 20:19

Babblers: These are People who talk a lot. This is also the person in your friend group or work crew who always ‘updates’ everybody with the latest gossip. They will say things like “Did you hear…. I heard…” They reveal secrets in order to get everybody’s attention on them. They love to hear the sound of their voice even at the expense of other people..

“ A deceitful man spreads strife…”- Proverbs 16:28

Deceitful gossipers: This is the person who will purposely tell you a ‘story’ about another person in order to get you to not like them or to get you to have the same opinion about that person as they do. Deceitful gossipers are usually insecure people and they ‘spread conflict’ in the most convincing way, so that you will take sides with them. It reminds me of elementary school when two girls are at war with one another and each of their goals are to win as many friends over onto their side to make them feel less insecure. The 'deceitful gossipers' goal is to recruit an army of people who agree with them so that their own personal bitterness, anger, hate, revenge is justified.

“The words of a gossiper are like tasty trifles, How we love to swallow it!” Proverbs 26:22

Lovers of Gossip:  These are the people who love to hear gossip. The Bible says that gossip to these people is like “delicious morsels that go down into the inner parts of the body”. These people don’t necessarily like to be the ones sharing the gossip but they love to hear it from the lips of others and will say 'starter gossip comments' like “what was Jane doing the other day with that weird guy?” Then they will soak in the rest of the gossip coming from the other person’s mouth. These people are the ones who indulge into the gossip magazines, and secretly get pleasure from reading private issues of the rich and famous, especially if it’s “Juicy” gossip. They  love to be kept in the loop without the weight of being the messenger of gossip.

“ You shall not go around as a slander among your people, and you shall not stand up against the life of your neighbor; I am the Lord”- Leviticus 19:16

Slanderers: The people who attack the reputation or well being of another person. This is the person who carelessly insult’s other people behind their back.  They will point to a person who you do not know and say “That guy is a such a prick”. When you ask why, they will tell you “I heard from a friend….”. These people love to give labels to everyone who is different than them even if they do not personally know the person. They judge a person by their appearance and openly insult them to make the people around them laugh to make themselves feel better. These people are insecure and most likely have had people attack their reputation in the past. Even if they laugh about it and seem unmoved by the pain they are causing others, they are deeply wounded on the inside. Hurt people- Hurt people.

“…. And A whisper separates close friends” Proverbs 16:28

Tellers of Secrets: These are the people who for the life of them cannot keep a secret. It doesn’t matter how big or little the secret, or even if they’ve sworn secrecy to their boss, best friend, or mother, they still break the trust. They say things like “I promised so and so I wouldn’t tell and I’m only telling you because……”. Or “I don’t think she would care if I told you…but promise me you won’t tell anyone else”.  I wonder how many relationships have been broken because one friend betrayed another friend by revealing a secret or sharing a private matter with someone else. Even for those of us who get away with telling a secret, The bible still says that you are a gossiper. (Prov 20:19).

                                     Why stop Gossiping?

 “For whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from speaking evil and his lips from speaking deceit”-  James 3:8

 “There are six things that the Lord hates… and one who sews discord among his brothers”- Prov 6:19

If the fact that God hates gossip isn’t a good enough reason for you to want to stop then perhaps you should take a look at your life and honestly ask yourself if you are happy.  The bible says that if you want to enjoy life and see good days ahead then to keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Ladies it’s time to stop justifying “WHY” we sometimes gossip and simply admit that it is a sin and it is wrong. The Bible says that with our mouth “we bless our father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God, From the same mouth come blessings and curses”. God does not enjoy us talking badly about his other children, just as he does not like it when people gossip about you. It is time to change.

           7 steps you can use THIS WEEK to dismiss the spirit of Gossip out of your life.

1.       Pray: The Bible says that we cannot tame the tongue our self, so pray that God’s Holy Spirit will give you the strength to resist the temptation to share a secret, spread a gossip, or pick up the gossip magazine at the hairdressers. Remember, in God’s eyes sin is sin. There is no ‘lower level’ of sin, it is all the same evil to God. Also remember that with every temptation God has provided a way out for you, God will not allow you to be tested beyond your strength. (James 3:8,1 Cor 10:3)

2.       Prepare yourself: Know in advance when you are most likely to be tempted to dabble in gossip. Maybe it is around certain family members, co-workers, friends. Be ready to have a plan of action. Memorize some of the scriptures that you read here and say them in your head throughout your day.

3.       Silence: The bible says there is a time to speak and a time to be silent. It also says whoever restrains their lips is wise.  Do what my friend Ashley did to me when I was gossiping about that Squash lady.  Do not respond, act impressed, nod your head, or “mhmm”.  In other words do not give the person any form of body language that says “you have my attention”. If it is you alone with the person gossiping and you do this, I can almost guarantee the person will take the hint and zip their lip. If they backtrack and apologize, don’t make them feel bad but simply tell them that you have decided to stay out of gossip. Maybe that will inspire them to do the same.

4.       Change the subject- This is the best way to get you, the gossiper, and the lovers of gossip out of an ugly situation. When you do change the subject, change it to something positive. If you are brave enough why not say “You guys let’s not focus all of our energy on the negative things, rather let’s talk about the good things in life, the things that make us happy”. Even if you don’t say this, but simple change the subject to something positive, you will see how fast the mood of the group will change.

5.       Take a stand: True friends will always stick up for their friends who are being bashed. Just like family will always stick up for family. But what about Gods other children. The Bible says that we bless the lord but curse each other who are made in Gods images and that this ought not to be so. (James 3:9-10) So I encourage you to stand up for the stranger who everyone is making fun of. In my story above, I didn’t necessarily enjoy having the new girl push her weight around, but I still stuck up for her when the ‘deceitful gossiper’ tried to get me to agree with her about not liking her. I took a stand, and said “ I like her, I think she is nice”. Be brave ladies, and let the wisdom of the Holy Spirit guide you.   

6.        Share: Sometimes we need to tell other people about our Character Building Plan to stop gossiping all together. If you are surrounded with deceitful gossipers, lovers of gossip, babblers, and slanderers and there is no way that you can avoid associating with them. Then tell them the truth. Share the reasons why you want to stop gossiping. Share with them what you have been learning since you have stopped gossiping. Politely tell them “From now on I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t tell me the latest gossip, or keep those magazines around me when I’m at your place because I am trying to stay out of gossip all together and so it would be nice to have your support”.  If they ask you why you are doing this, tell them the truth. God may be leading you to share your faith with them.

7.       Avoid: If you are really struggling with the temptation to gossip and people at work are not being affected by your good behavior but instead are infecting you with their gossip. Then you need to avoid them all together. The Bible says to not associate with gossipers, because if you around negative speaking people all day long then it will start to infect you. If that means that you have to sit alone during lunch instead of going out with your coworkers, then DO IT! Bring a book to work. Avoid the magazine section in 7-11 if you’re going to be tempted. Say no to the ladies night out if you know you are going to be infected by an hour of nonstop gossip. Instead, call up the friend who’s mouth is set on blessing other people.

                    In closing I want to quickly share a short story

When I was in grade 4 I did a horribly mean thing to my best friend Kaitlin. Afterschool I had my other good friend Ashley come over. We had this ‘great’ idea to hide Ashley on my bed behind a bunch of my teddy bears and see if Kaitlin would say anything bad about her. (I know so mean) So Kaitlin came over and sat on the bed with me facing her to distract her from looking at the clumped-together stuffed animals. Then I (being a deceitful gossiper) said “Do you like Ashley?”. “Yeah” Kaitlin replied. Then I said “I don’t really like Ashley, she is sooo annoying”.  Then Kaitlin agreed “Ya I do too, she is super annoying” This went on for maybe ten minutes until finally Ashley popped out of the teddy bears and said “BOO”. It was so mean, so incredibly mean. But I only bring this up because when we are tempted to gossip we need to ask ourselves if we would say what we plan on saying about the person, if they were hiding around the corner listening? If it isn’t something they would enjoy hearing, then don’t say it.

“let no corrupting talk come out of your mouth, but only such as is good for building one another up”  Ephesians 4:29

I encourage you today to make the decision if you want to see better days ahead and enjoy life. If you do, then you have got to work on taming your tongue, and stay away from the evil of gossip. Don’t be discouraged if you mess up here and there, just get back on your feet and keep trusting that God is changing you from Glory to Glory. Sooner or later you will lose the urge to be around gossip, dabble in it and you will begin to see how ugly it really is when you hear it. Look at it from the Bible’s perspective, the sooner we can master the temptation to be a gossip the sooner we will love everyday life see good days ahead. Amen!