Guilt, Sin & Condemnation

Not too long ago I was continually beating myself up for saying and doing the very things which I vowed not to do. Things like, raising my voice when my husband and I are having an argument, talking negatively about my husband’s manager, mentally criticizing my body and comparing it to other women’s bodies etc. I hoped that these bad habits would just disappear once I admitted that they were indeed sin. However, it seemed the more determined I was to overcome these bad habits on my own the more I gave into them. I started to feel hopeless; the way a gardener would feel if she were to wake up one morning to a garden jam-packed with weeds instead of the flowers she was sure she saw budding a few days before. I literally wanted to run away, but Instead, I distracted myself with anything and everything to keep me from turning to the inner voice inside that I sensed would lead me to repent for my sins and receive Gods grace. The truth was, I didn’t feel like asking for forgiveness for the same thing over and over, I was starting to feel like a broken record. Why should I get another chance, I knew that while I was doing those things that they were wrong. How can I, be a so called 'born again' Christian, yet still habitually fall into the same sin temptations?

 Can anyone relate to this? Have you ever ‘vowed not to do something’ or ‘be better tomorrow’ only to find yourself doing the exact thing you promised you weren’t going to do? Well I got my revelation on this subject just weeks following the shame-guilt-condemnation party I was throwing for myself. To my surprise, I found out that the apostle Paul had the same struggle as I did. In his own words, he says

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate I do….For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing” (Romans 7:17-19)

 Paul is talking about his current spiritual condition and describing his attitude towards sin (he does not want to sin, and he hates sin), yet he continues to do the very things that he does not want to do. Finally! Somebody who understands what I am going through. How could I have not known that one of the most devoted apostles of Jesus struggled with the very same character flaw as I was struggling with. Let’s see what Paul says next.

“Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is the sin living in me that does it” (Romans 7:20)

Wow. Okay so If Paul says that it is not him who sins, then who sins? Well ladies, I think it’s time for Christian vocabulary lesson 101. Basically, we are all born sinners. The Bible says that no-one is without sin.(Rom 3:23) We can thank Adam and Eve for that. So because we were born with this ‘sin nature’, it is our natural fleshly desire to do things that are contrary to God’s will. We want to stare at the super skinny woman walking down the street and criticize, compare and envy her all at the same time. Our flesh wants to gossip with everyone else about the new employee at work who smells bad and whose outfits never match. It’s our flesh who sometimes imagines really horrible things happening to our enemies.

However, when we are Born Again (accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior), we are given the gift of the Holy Spirit to help deliver us out of the temptations that our ‘sinful nature’ desires. This is why we feel ‘convicted’ by the Holy Spirit, when we do something that is contrary to the Word of God. As paul described, even though the Holy Spirit is alive and active in us, we still live in a flawed body that is a slave to the sinful desires of our flesh.

Do you get it? So it is like we have two people living inside of us waging war against one another. The Spirit is leading us towards life and righteousness, and the flesh has its own evil desires which inevitably lead to death. So what Paul is saying is, stop beating yourself up. It is not the real you who is doing it, it is the sin that is living in you that does it out of habit. If your attitude towards sin is that of a believer (you hate sin, you don’t want to do it) then don’t condemn yourselves, you are on the right path.

“So you see how it is: my new life tells me to do right, but the old nature that is still inside me loves to sin” Romans 7:21-23

Hah. Well said Paul. I feel the same way. Just the other day I was feeling supernaturally filled with joy and I was telling my husband how I felt so connected to the H.S. Seconds later, Andrew told me that before he left the gym his teammates were saying something in Czech to him to bug him. He later found out they were saying “Say Hi to your sexy wife, bla bla bla”. Just as fast as the words came off of his tongue, the rush of flattery went straight to my ego and my mind instantly began planning what outfit I would wear to his next game to maintain this new profile as Andrews ‘sexy wife’. So pathetic, I know. But thank God I was feeling connected to the Holy Spirit that day because I was soon reminded that ‘seeking male attention’ is a part of my past, my old self, my ‘sinful nature’. I’m not going to lie, it took a minute or two to slay the egotistical thought but as soon as I did, I was able to redirect my thoughts to the man sitting next to me and give thanks to God for blessing me with such a wonderful husband.

So now that we know that there is indeed a battle to feed our ‘sinful nature’ that rages within Christ followers, Is there any hope? Does sin always defeat the sons and daughters of God? Of course not. Paul says,

 “Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God the answer is found in Jesus Christ our Lord” (Romans 7:24-25 NLT)

  Jesus Christ has died for our sins and even though we are in this fleshly, decomposing, sin-filled-nature of a body, if we have received the Holy Spirit then we are no longer slaves to sin. He paid the price, so that we are delivered from condemnation. Paul says,   

“There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1)

How could I have so easily forgotten this biblical truth? After reading this I sensed the Lord speaking to me through his Holy Spirit, saying “Jaycee, even when you are failing, and falling into the temptation of sin, I still accept you and love you more than you could ever imagine. Don’t hide from your mistakes, but come to me and I will cleanse you, trust in me and I will make your paths straight. Whether or not you see it, I am changing you from glory to glory”. I was so humbled to feel 100% accepted for who I am by this Amazing God. However, I wondered why I my first instincts were to run away from God, time after time, when I would fail in my attempts to be good. Of course, I had to go back to the beginning.

Just as I had thought. The sin cycle of tormenting ourselves with guilt, shame, and condemnation come from none other than our great ancestors Adam and Eve. The very first thing Adam and Eve did after they ate the forbidden fruit (which was against the will of God) in the Garden of Eden was try to run away from God, and hide from Him. In the words of Adam “I hid from you because I was afraid”. He was afraid of God because He knew he had done the very thing he knew he was not supposed to do. Rightfully so, I would be afraid to be the first human being to commit the first sin. However, because of the ultimate sacrifice Jesus made, we are called to come boldly to the throne of grace. Yet, for some of us, we still insist on running away, or hiding from God when we screw up and this is because we mistakenly think that God is the one heaping the guilt, shame and condemnation on us. However, this couldn’t be further than the truth. I love the way John Burke, Author or “Soul Revolution” puts it:

“God does what he does in Christ, so that if we’re willing to receive it, we can know that even as we fail, He doesn’t leave us or condemn us….but if we are afraid God condemns us, we will hide from him and fall farther away”

Ladies, do not fall into the enemy’s trap of accepting the feelings of guilt, condemnation and shame. These are all lies, and it is one of the oldest tricks in the enemy’s book to get us to stay disconnected from God. Why? Because when we are disconnected from God, we will, out of habit, give into our sin nature, Instead of running towards God and trusting in His Holy Spirit to change us.

So where does this leave us?

Let’s take you on a trip down memory lane. Particularly to those of you who participated in the “Stop-Gossip Challenge”. Almost everyone who overcame the temptation to gossip, one time or another throughout their week, confessed that in those moments they were fully connected to the Holy Spirit. They could hear the gentle warning when they were about to be tempted, and it was in those moments that they chose to follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit. A few of the women said, that even when they did (out of habit) dabble in gossip they could feel the Holy Spirit reminding them that what they were doing was wrong. Back to what Paul said previously, when you gave into the very sin in which you hate to do, it is your sinful nature that does it, and not the ‘real you’ who does it. Again, don't beat yourself up!

So is Paul giving us excuses to sin, and saying that I can consciously sin, and not feel bad about it because I know that God will forgive me? Of course not, and Paul addresses this by saying “So should we continue in our sin, so that grace may abound? No, God forbid” (Romans 6:15) . You aren't going to recieve peace or forgiveness for robbing a bank if you fully intend on robbing another bank the next day. God's word can not be mocked. He knows our intentions and as knows our attitude towards sin. As it is written "Men looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at our heart". (1 Sam 16:7). There is no loopholes when it comes to obeying the word of God so don’t even think about it sister.

So here is where our 'intentions' come into play

Paul says, “For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the spirit, have their minds set on what the spirit desires” (Romans 8:5)

The moments in which each woman overcame the temptation to gossip, occurred when they were connected to that inner voice. They had intentionally set their minds on what the Spirit desired. It is only then, that we can overcome temptation. Trying harder simply won’t work. When we are disconnected to the Holy Spirit (we don't intentionally seek his guidance), we will, out of habit give into the sinful nature that lives in us and naturally have our minds set on the things of the flesh. It is a Biblical fact.

                                                     Conclusion

What Paul has taught me, and now you, is that yes, even as Christians, at times, we will sin, for all the reasons stated above. (Sinful nature, desires of our flesh, being born into a corrupt world, etc) Yet, if we are led by the Holy Spirit, like I was that day in the car with my husband, and like the women who succeeded throughout the week in the stop-gossip challenge, we learned that we can overcome such temptations. Even when we fail, and do the very sin we hoped not to do, for example, the women who failed throughout the week in the Stop-Gossip challenge. We know that we are still on the right path towards righteousness no matter how many times we, out of habit, give into that sin, because it was our attitude toward sin that matters, not the sin itself.  So please remember, that God is not wagging his finger from the clouds of heaven every time you screw up. No, He is saying 'Come to me as you are, we need to work together, you cannot overcome the sinful nature on your own, you need to walk with me, and stay connected to me'. It is through the sacrifice of Jesus, that we have hope in overcoming the very sins that dominate over us. Women of faith now understand that Victory over our sinful nature comes by intentionally re-directing our minds towards following the guidance of the Holy Spirit that dwells inside of us.

The Stop-Gossip Challenge Revealed

A week ago the I.W.O.Faith Crew was challenged to do their best to stop gossiping. They were asked to record the details about where they were, who they were with, why they were tempted, and what they did as a result of the temptation. Did they give in? Or did they use some particular stop-gossip tools to help resist the temptation? If they succeeded or failed in their attempts to stop-gossip, how did it make them feel? Let’s see how they did.

*Please feel free to comment below each Woman of Faith’s testimony if you can relate to that person’s struggles, would like to offer words of encouragement, or because you were inspired by their personal experiences.

Emma S. – Sundsvall, Sweden

I participated in this challenge because I think it's a really good thing for all of us, gossip needs to be stopped, or at least taken down more than a bit.
So my strongest experience of this was when me and a very close friend of mine were sitting down at school talking about pretty much everything, like we normally do. Then there is this other girl who we are/used to be pretty tight with, who is sort of fading out from the "group" so to speak, for no particular reason, it just happens you know. So this friend I was with started gossiping about this other girl, saying things like "she really buggs me, I can't stand it much longer and so on". So I kind of took a stand, saying she wasn't that much of a pain in the a**, that's she's actually pretty decent, keeping it at a lower level so I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it, then I just changed the subject. I mean I was pretty tempted to gossip because what the friend I was with was saying about the other girl wasn't coming from nowhere, but it still wasn't fully true. After all, the other girl was still my friend. The girl who was gossiping is not normally a gossiper, so when she says anything like that she really means it. However, it felt great to not get into any of this whole gossiping-thing, and afterwards I just felt marvelous.
This challenge was SO good, I mean it really made me realize how much people are actually gossiping, it's scary. Now that I was in it, I just hear it all over. Whenever my friends were gossiping this past week, just a tiny but or whatever, I most often just said nothing or changed the subject. And yes, a big yes, I felt the Holy Spirit telling me not to say anything in those situations. I am definitely up for doing this for way way longer. Maybe for life. Hopefully.
Thank you so much for inviting me to do this!

Chelsea B.- Stop Gossip...

When I first saw that Jaycee had written in her blog this week about gossip I was right away interested in what she had to say. I have always felt that as women, we are always influenced in the topics of gossip in everyday life. Whether it be a girls night out, a phone call from your best-friend or magazine that calls to our attention. As I started reading the blog I had so many AH-HA moments that really helped me to realize that even the smallest comments are a form of gossip. I've never felt that I was a huge gossiper about others but then thinking back to all the talks with my girlfriends, cousins, sister’s and even my mom always revolved around others and what they were doing in their lives. I started to think of all the places that I knew I would be tempted in gossip throughout the week and challenged myself not to run and hide from the temptation but to face it head on. I started off the week busy with the kids and not interacting with many people due to everyone’s busy schedule and the cold weather. As the days passed I felt so good about the fact that I hadn’t talked about anyone for those few days. Then Sunday morning approached and I knew that going to work would be like stepping right into the fire of gossip as soon as I stepped foot in that building. I was reminded that for the last three   weeks I had come into work, gone straight to my sister, where we would start complaining about our week and mostly about the workers that we would have to work with for the next 4 hours. I opened the door and went upstairs, right then and there I prayed that I would not fall into the trap of gossip but rather have a positive approach at work and maybe let the other girls know that I wasn't going to join in the negative talk but rather let them know what my plan was to try to lead a life of less gossip, negativity and to talk about things that really mattered. After this, I walked up to the front and there was my sister and immediately she said something to me as per usual about something that we would have normally talked about all of our Sunday mornings. I felt bad at first because I knew that I had been the one on some Sundays to start my day like this and as she started saying something I just nodded my head and didn’t say much. I think she was a little taken back so I quickly said that I was really trying not to gossip about anyone and that I just felt like it wasn’t the right thing for me to do at work anymore. She kindly said "each to their own" and quickly got a cup of coffee for a customer across the room. That whole day I felt great, like I had such a great day at work with nice conversation. After work I realized that that was what I needed, to just come to work and not have it be a bash session of anything and anyone. I left work that day and for the next few days I did so well. I then had to go to the store with the kids for some milk and eggs. I knew that I was going to be tempted by the gossip magazines that I had been getting there EVERY time that I stepped foot into that store. As I got to the counter I found myself peering out of one eye just to got a sneak peek of some kind of " he cheated" or look at how skinny or fat she is" something to get me a little satisfied without actually buying the magazine. I quickly realized that what I was doing was still wrong and looked away and walked through paid for my things and left the store not really missing the magazine that I loved to read in the afternoons. I went on perfectly fine not knowing what celeb was on a mental break this week. It felt great. Another day went by and I knew that I was going to be spending some much needed girl time with a few ladies for a house party. I went in there not really knowing who was going to be there or what the conversations would be. The whole night was great, catching up with some that I knew and learning about others that I had just met. I felt like the whole night was a gossip free , productive night, until...It was the end of the night and a friend that I knew who likes to have all the grease on people sat down and out of the blue said something that I knew was my test that night. When she started talking I wanted so badly to say something about the topic but I bit my tongue and just said oh yah and that I wasn't really going to talk about the topic anymore. I left the conversation at me replying "no comment" and moved on. I know that she was a little shocked and I felt like she was disappointed that I didn’t keep talking about it but I felt like I had done the right thing in that situation.

This week was harder than I thought it would be. I didn’t think that I talked about others so much but I realized that I do it in so many different ways not even meaning to gossip or say anything in a bad way. The one thing that I realized about myself is that it was easier for me to shut someone down from talking about gossip and change the subject than to ignore the inner voice inside of urging me to do the right thing. Another thing I realized this week, is how much gossip I say to myself. I was really made aware of this ‘self talk’ in the first few days that I was at home alone or playing with my kids. I say things about others in my head and even have self-to-self dialogue going on in my which I realized was me gossiping with myself. So I decided this week that I really wanted to stop gossiping aloud but also stop talking negative thoughts in my head about others and negative talk to myself.  I have learnt so much this week and I thank you Jaycee for making us all aware of how prevalent gossip is in our lives and for encouraging us to use our time together in a more positive productive way.

Becky B.- Stop Gossip...

1. When and where were you when you were tempted to gossip?

I was out for lunch with friends, or out for drinks, or on the phone with people when the conversation got dead. Had a fight with a family member and talked to other family members about it.
2. Who were you with

Friends
3. What was the temptation to gossip? 

Lack of conversation, anger, being hurt by someone and wanting to talk about it, pride in knowing peoples secrets and almost bragging about them (I had a bad night gossiping with friends)
4. Was there a specific 'gossiper' who tempted you? (babbler, secret teller, slanderer, lover of gossip)

Yes and I would have been the ‘lover of gossip’
5. Did you feel the Holy Spirit's warning about dabbling into gossip?

Yes and I ignored it, then on another occasion I was tempted and instead the conversation went to better things
6. If you attempted to overcome the temptation to gossip which of the 'stop-gossip' tools did you use?

Subject change
7. If you did or did not overcome the temptation to gossip, How did it make you feel? What did you learn? Are you motivated to continue the stop-gossip challenge for the rest of your life?

I’m embarrassed. I gossiped in front of a girl I barely knew and talked about good friends of mine, it made me feel like a bad friend, like why would she want to befriend someone who clearly bashes her good friends? I called that night "verbal diarrhea" night, I will see this person again this week and I plan on apologizing for the gossiping I did. I learnt that gossiping always makes me feel worse about myself, and never makes me feel good, ever! I kind of wake up the next day with a shame over about the gossiping I did the day before, it is not a comfortable feeling. However, I get up every morning with the intent to start anew, vowing to change and knowing that I am already forgiven if I fail. 

Chelsey H- Stop Gossip...

 I was tempted with gossip constantly this week.   Every day, 8 hours a day...

 Lately, work has been very negative and people have been really unhappy, myself included.  It only seems natural that when you are in a negative space, gossip just seems to fit right in.  Gossip is nonstop at my work and sometimes I feel that if I just agree, it will be easier rather than making a scene to try and stand up for what I truly feel. There is one girl whom I actually really like and she's a really good friend, however, the sh*t that comes out of her mouth is horrific.  She is racist, she is hurtful and she thrives on the attention that it brings.  I have to admit, some of the things she says are amusing but when I thought about it this week, I was taken back at how hurtful they truly were and for me to laugh at her comments, made me just as bad as she was.  One incident was they were talking about a lady that used to work with us and our entire office didn't like her because she was a little "odd" and outspoken.  Everyone said so many hurtful things about her and I just nodded my head and agreed, even though I really never had a problem with her.  Ughhh, I was so weak.  Even though I didn't say anything and chose silence, I was still part of the gossip.

 I really felt the Holy Spirit telling me to intervene and do something.  I knew I was doing something wrong but I knew if I said something or tried to stand up for her, I would be criticized for not agreeing with their mockery. How ridiculous is that? And even more ridiculous is me being afraid of being made fun of for trying to stop the horrible gossip. I used silence but it seemed like the "easy way out".  It did nothing, it solved nothing and the gossip continued and I continued to "agree" by being there and not telling them to stop.

 I can honestly say I have been thinking about this for the past few months and it's starting to hurt me. I truly hate the person I am when I talk about others and I can't handle listening to the negative and hurtful gossip that is happening everyday right in front of me.  My workplace will more than likely always be like this but that just means I have to start being strong and standing up for what my heart truly feels and what God really wants for us.  It's SOO hard to get away from it when you are constantly stuck in the middle of it.  I am really going to work on this and will continue to stop gossip the rest of my life, because let's face it, we are always going to be faced with it.

Thanks, Jaycee.  What a crazy week it has been.  I can say that my week wasn't a victory but I have really been motivated to take action and spread love, rather than hurt.

Jaimie H- Stop Gossip...

This challenge was tougher than I thought! I tried many ways throughout the week to not gossip including avoiding people who I know gossip a lot, changing the subject, silence and prayer. When I was conscience of what I was doing I was able to use one of these methods to not gossip. However, sometimes I was on my usual auto-pilot mode and sure enough I turned into one of the "gossip-types", usually the babbler, or lover of gossip! One of my downfalls is certainly after a couple of drinks. At the beginning of my girls night out I was very conscious of my words and thoughts. By the end of the night I had told two girls that my boss smokes (which she asked me not to tell) and I also revealed information about another co-worker that was private....just to babble on about the information I had. It was as if I couldn’t control what was rolling off my tongue. I felt so proud of myself at the beginning of the night, and when I stepped out of the car at the end of the night I was appalled and ashamed at how I failed at my attempt to not gossip for the night. I realized that this challenge was harder than it seemed and how gossip is so intertwined in our lives. I could go on and on about other examples during the week but what I learned is that it is going to be something that I will struggle with for the rest of my life. I really did feel better about myself as a person on those occasions over the week that I didn’t add to the conversation, or run and tell another friend about something that I learned. To be silent is definitely a virtue that I will strive for. It’s as if I feel like I need to respond when people are gossiping to me about someone. Instead of perhaps offering them some thoughts on why that person is the way they are and perhaps helping a friend deal with a situation with another friend or colleague by offering a positive suggestion or solution, I add fuel to the fire. Thanks for shedding the light on this subject and giving me some tools to help me on this life-long journey to decrease the gossip in our world.

Fausta C. - Stop Gossip...

Okay so I tried super hard not to gossip! Although, I still did to an extent.
So, I don’t really find that I gossip too much about my close friends or people that surround me on a daily basis. But, I looove gossiping about celebs and customers that come into the restaurant. I think that I feel like if they do not know me or if I don’t know them personally that it is ok, which was a nice reason to have this challenge because it made me think of the things I was saying, why I was saying it about them and, how it made me feel.
There is one table that always comes into the restaurant about a few times a week, everyone hates serving them because they NEVER tip and, to top it all off, they are never nice to their server. However, I ended up talking to them one day at lunch. Shortly after they left, the woman came back in and slipped me a $20 and told me that she does not believe in tipping as she serves her family at home every day and she does not get tips from them. She said that I am always so nice to her family that she thought I deserved that money. I felt horrible. I call her the pig lady as she slightly resembles a pig............ and anytime a new girl starts, I always warn them that whenever these people come in they won’t get a tip from them, and I have continuously made fun of them behind their backs. It made me feel like such a bad person accepting this money from her because I’m sure if she knew half of what I say behind her back she would never step foot into the restaurant again. So I told all of the gals that were on shift that she gave me money because it seemed miraculous and, in an instant everyone was like "ugh I hate them, they are so cheap, they are fat, they are blah blah blah" you get the point. For a moment I was like "yeah I know, I hate serving them too, they are sooooo annoying". But then I realized how bad I felt about all of the things I had ever said about these people, and, here I was saying the same old stuff just because all of the other girls were making fun of them. I ve never actually thought about it before, but I think in some ways gossiping with other girls makes you feel as if you have a common interest , even if that interest is talking about other people behind their backs.
So I have another experience that doesn’t involve me directly, but it made me think about how women verbally view other women in a negative way, especially if they are jealous. I was at a blades game, and during an intermission girls will come out and throw t-shirts, prizes, etc. These girls behind me literally started shouting at them "Pucks!!! Oh you know you like the c*ck, you f-ing sluts!!” No word of a lie, when they stopped yelling at these girls they continued to gossip about them behind their backs. It genuinely made me sad for the girls that were yelling this stuff. It made them look soooooo insecure, jealous and, slightly pathetic. Especially, considering that I actually knew one of them, she is older than me and, has a child. There was a bunch of little kids sitting in front of us so it seemed very inappropriate.
I am proud to say that while I was at the store several times this last week I did not buy a gossip magazine, which I always do. This challenge was hard though. There were many times where I'd start to say something and, stop myself. I know I will give into gossip for the rest of my life and, I don’t truly think that all gossip is negative. No one wants to hear someone talk about others 24-7 including me, but I think I may still have to pick up the occasional gossip mag at the store But, it was nice to have it in the back of my mind that this is wrong and has negative effects on me and, the people surrounding me. I will definitely try harder to continue the stop gossip challenge in my everyday life. I found that silence worked the best for me, I have a big mouth and it wasn't actually that hard to keep it shut!!!

Amber Kuhn- Stop-Gossip Wrap Up

There is this woman at work who drives me insa….. oh wait, probably not the best way to start this!
Have you consciously caught yourself going down a road where you know you have said too much? I know that for me, this is a daily struggle. I am a Personal Assistant, in my role people seem to want to entrust me with their every gripe, concern or 'people problem'. To be honest, at times it's hard to not join in. I believe the main temptation to gossip is when the other person's subject matter is something that you can relate to personally.

For example, if your best friend is talking about relationship issues with her long lost cousin do you try and see a positive light to what she is saying and work on giving positive advice and solutions to her situation? But if you’re best friend is talking about a girl at school who you have frequent run-ins with in the locker room, how quickly you can go from constructive feedback to giving your 2 cents worth on how you also feel about her. It's like your emotions then take hold of the conversation and usually you've said too much before you know what's going on.

For me, if a colleague comes to me about a problem with one of my close friends at work, I take a step back from the situation and try and see the positive side of the situation. However, if a colleague comes to me about a problem with another person who I may have faced conflict with in the past… that's a different story. I find it so difficult not to jump on the 'dish out the dirt' band wagon, and keep my mouth shut. So how do become an overcomer of this?

I am reminded of the scripture in Ephesians 4:29 - 'Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen'. In order to overcome gossip, you need to put on the mantle of being the bigger person. This action actually requires a lot of humility. It's saying 'I am going to put aside how I may feel about this situation, and I am going to build this person up according to THEIR needs'. For me, this action only comes about by being open to and following the leading of the Holy Spirit. When faced with situations of gossip, trying to find even 1 thing about the person/people that builds and constructs instead of dividing can be difficult, however when you take this stance, the following occurs:
1. You rise above the situation
2. The Holy Spirit can convict and work to change the people who are entering into gossip
3. You gain favor from those around you as a trustworthy person who doesn't compromise their integrity for the sake of an opinion

How quickly we can enter the conversations with others that aren't wholesome, or uplifting. By getting into the practice of turning around the conversation and taking the 'bigger person' approach out of humility the freedom that you feel will give you a life set free of your circumstances, and give you the strength to continually rise above and allow the Holy Spirit to work on the situation.

What conversations are you willing to rise above from now on?

Who should I confide in?

“The godly give good advice to their friends, the wicked lead them astray” Prov 12:26

About two years ago I had been deeply hurt by the way a woman at my gym had been treating me. Every time I saw this woman she would purposely ignore me and when I would pass by and say ‘hello’ she would not look me in the eyes or respond. After weeks of me ‘repaying my enemy with kindness’ I started to get annoyed by the amount of disrespect she was still giving  me.  One day while I was at the gym, I confronted her after she said something rude. In my passive agressive tone I said “Really? Is that why you’re so upset? Maybe it’s time to tell me the real reason why you’re being so rude to me”. My words obviously shocked her and she walked away. I was so mad that she refused to tell me why she had this grudge against me and was left with the tormenting thoughts of her hating me for something I didn’t do. I’m pretty sure I went to God and vented my feelings to him but the mouth-watering temptation to get even and gossip about her was enough to ignore my heavenly conscience. So what did I do? I unleashed my fury to my army of friends who I knew would tell me what I wanted to hear. I was not looking for advice, Oh no, I was looking for people to agree with me, and confirm that this woman was indeed evil. In the weeks to follow they would say “How’s the psycho lady treating you?”. I would laugh and pretend that I wasn’t bothered by her anymore, but inside my heart was waging war against her and I could feel every ounce of my peace depart with every insult I spoke against her. After a month of confiding in the wrong people I eventually confided in a friend who gave me heavently advice which led to me doing the right thing in the end. I humbly confronted the woman, and apologized for the ‘thing’ I unknowingly did to upset her and we were both able to move on.

 “ A good persons words are a fountain of life, but a wicked persons words hide a     violent nature” -Proverbs 10:11

Why is it important to choose who you confide in?

The Bible says that the ungodly will lead you astray. I bet each one of us can think of one friend who doesn’t offer the best advice, but says things to make us ‘feel’ or I should say ‘fuel’ better. When we accept the advice from the wrong people, they add fuel to your fire. In my situation, these friends comforted me by saying “Oh, she is just a stuck up b*t*, just tell her to f-off”. I have to admit, I did get a sick sense of pleasure from imagining myself saying that to her. However, because I chose the wrong people to confide in, my healing was postponed and my relationship with God was put on the back burner. Even though the people giving you 'worldly' advice may be your friends they will never tell you that you are in the wrong, and will always verbally gang up on your opponent. This is the very reason why so many of us intentionally choose 'these' people to ‘vent’ to, because we know they will back us up to any extent. However, The Bible says their advice is foolish and if you do take their advice you will be led astray from the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

“…but wisely spoken words can heal” -Proverbs 12:18

The Bible says that the godly give good advice to their friends. Their words are spoken wisely and their advice is guided by heavenly wisdom. They desire for your peace to be restored and for you to overcome the situation. In my experience written above, I finally asked for advice from a friend who I knew would tell me the right thing to do. They prayed for me, and the next morning I dealt with the situation properly. We need to accept the advice from the ‘wise’ even if it sometimes means humbling yourself and admitting that you were in the wrong. Proverbs 12:1 says “Any who love knowledge want to be told when they are wrong”.  The true friend will tell you if you are in the wrong, and will correct you if you are being led astray by other advice. Try to think of one person right now who you will choose to confide in from now on who will give you heavenly advice.

“Worry weighs a person down; and an encouraging word cheers a person up" - Proverbs 12:25

Why is it that when we are worried about something we need to tell everyone about it. We tell our neighbor, sales clerk, sister, friend, teacher even our dog. Worry is like the flu, except we are so eager to spread it all over the place instead of keeping it confined to our selves. I am not saying we should keep worry to our self. Jesus says ‘cast all your worries onto me and I will give you rest for your souls”(1Pet 5:7). But the same principle applies when we need advice over something we are worrying about. Go to the godly person who will offer you heavenly advice. Like the Bible says, their words will cheer you up. Don’t bring your worry to the friend/people who are worry-warts, the Bible says they will weigh you down. Ask for an encouraging word from the friend who you know you can count on to life your spirit.

“Sensible people accept good advice”- Proverbs 10:8

If you are smart you will accept the advice from the wise friend and reject the advice that will lead your heart astray from doing the will of God. Of course we should always first turn to God for advice and listen to the Holy Spirit for direction. However, the Bible says that when we are seeking guidance from a friend, the godly will give us good advice. After years of confiding in the wrong people, I am now learning to tame my tongue and only share my private matters with the people who will offer me heavenly advice and who I know I can trust.  Our goal as Women of Faith is to build our Christ-like character, and confiding in a friend who will provide heavenly wisdom, is one way to grow in your spiritual maturity. Choosing to confide in the wrong friends, will only add wood to the ‘fires’ in your life. This will always result in a loss of your peace and inevitably will cause the condition of your heart to resemble the aftermath of a massive forest fire. The Bible says that “As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend” Prov 27:17. If you are a true friend you will tell a friend if he is in the wrong, you will tell him the truth even if it will be hard for him to hear. If you are the friend receiving advice, the Bible says “If you listen in correction, you will grown in understanding” Prov 15:32. Who you take advice from is one of the most important decisions we must make to become woman of great character and great faith.

Here are some questions to ask yourself

Who are the people I need not to share my problems with? Who will I go to for advice from now on? Who will I share my worries with? Am I a friend that offers heavenly wisdom, the good advice to my friends? How well do I take correction from a true friend? Do I know the difference between good advice and foolish advice?

I pray that you will be reminded to share you struggles and conflicts with friends who you can trust in to give you words of wisdom which are from the fountain of life. Instead of going to one another with issues to 'vent' about, why not approach your trusted friend by saying " I am going through something right now and I need you advice". Not only will this slap the spirit of gossip in the face, but the friend will be prepared to give you the right advice as opposed to just listening to you 'vent'. If you aren't surrounded by many 'godly' friends who you can talk to or ask for advice, why not connect with another IWOFaith member on facebook or over email.

The Hidden Faces Of Gossip

“A time to keep silence, and a time to speak” – Ecclesiastes 3:7

One winter a few years ago I challenged myself to stop gossiping all together. To be honest, I thought I was doing a fantastic job because I never found myself talking about my friends. However, I got a huge revelation the day I went out for lunch with a friend of mine, named Ashley. We were enjoying our lunch when all of a sudden out of the corner of my eye I noticed a woman who I did not have a good past with as she was a rival of my squash coach/friend and was trying to sabotage our junior squash program for the past two years. Instantaneously I began babbling on and on about this woman and every mean thing that she has done to me and my friend over the past two years. Then it hit me, Ashley is not interested, she isn’t even looking at the woman, sighing or adding comments like “oh really” “Who does this woman think she is”. No, she didn’t say a single thing. All of a sudden, I felt embarrassed. I was instantly convicted by the Lord and felt ashamed that I was trying to get a reaction out of Ashley from a situation she was not even involved in. After an awkward moment of silence on my behalf, she changed the subject, and we talked about other things. To this day, Ashley is still someone I enjoy going out for coffee with because our conversations are real, and I know I will not be tempted to gossip, and being around her reminds me that girl to girl conversations do not have to revolve around talking about the ‘negative’ things in life. Ashley understood that in order to keep her peace, she had to keep her mouth shut and I realized how unattractive gossip really is.

“Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue, keeps himself out of trouble” Proverbs 21:23

Around the same time as I got this revelation from my friend Ashley, I began to exercise the power of keeping my mouth shut around my co-workers. The restaurant that I was working at had a tight core group of employees who seemed to get along and hang out with one another. So when our boss hired a new female bar manager, a few of my friends were threatened. I personally did not enjoy having the new girl push her weight around but I also realized that ‘micro managing’ was part of her job. Well it wasn’t until two days later that the temptation to roll the new girl under the bus came. Fortunately, I was prepared. While I was waiting for my table’s food two of my female coworkers started to bash the new girl. I kept my silence and continued facing the other direction. After one girl had left, the other turned towards me and said “Jayce, what do you think of so and so?”.  With confidence I replied “I actually like her, I think she is nice”. Perfect timing, I grabbed my food and walked out of the kitchen with a smile on my face knowing I was victorious over the temptation to gossip. I was instantly filled with joy and I could feel God smiling down on me at that moment. From that moment on those girls never talked about the new girl to me again. Breakthrough.

         Let’s explore the many faces that Gossip hides behind              

"Whoever goes about insulting others will reveal secrets, therefore do not associate with a simple babbler” -  proverbs 20:19

Babblers: These are People who talk a lot. This is also the person in your friend group or work crew who always ‘updates’ everybody with the latest gossip. They will say things like “Did you hear…. I heard…” They reveal secrets in order to get everybody’s attention on them. They love to hear the sound of their voice even at the expense of other people..

“ A deceitful man spreads strife…”- Proverbs 16:28

Deceitful gossipers: This is the person who will purposely tell you a ‘story’ about another person in order to get you to not like them or to get you to have the same opinion about that person as they do. Deceitful gossipers are usually insecure people and they ‘spread conflict’ in the most convincing way, so that you will take sides with them. It reminds me of elementary school when two girls are at war with one another and each of their goals are to win as many friends over onto their side to make them feel less insecure. The 'deceitful gossipers' goal is to recruit an army of people who agree with them so that their own personal bitterness, anger, hate, revenge is justified.

“The words of a gossiper are like tasty trifles, How we love to swallow it!” Proverbs 26:22

Lovers of Gossip:  These are the people who love to hear gossip. The Bible says that gossip to these people is like “delicious morsels that go down into the inner parts of the body”. These people don’t necessarily like to be the ones sharing the gossip but they love to hear it from the lips of others and will say 'starter gossip comments' like “what was Jane doing the other day with that weird guy?” Then they will soak in the rest of the gossip coming from the other person’s mouth. These people are the ones who indulge into the gossip magazines, and secretly get pleasure from reading private issues of the rich and famous, especially if it’s “Juicy” gossip. They  love to be kept in the loop without the weight of being the messenger of gossip.

“ You shall not go around as a slander among your people, and you shall not stand up against the life of your neighbor; I am the Lord”- Leviticus 19:16

Slanderers: The people who attack the reputation or well being of another person. This is the person who carelessly insult’s other people behind their back.  They will point to a person who you do not know and say “That guy is a such a prick”. When you ask why, they will tell you “I heard from a friend….”. These people love to give labels to everyone who is different than them even if they do not personally know the person. They judge a person by their appearance and openly insult them to make the people around them laugh to make themselves feel better. These people are insecure and most likely have had people attack their reputation in the past. Even if they laugh about it and seem unmoved by the pain they are causing others, they are deeply wounded on the inside. Hurt people- Hurt people.

“…. And A whisper separates close friends” Proverbs 16:28

Tellers of Secrets: These are the people who for the life of them cannot keep a secret. It doesn’t matter how big or little the secret, or even if they’ve sworn secrecy to their boss, best friend, or mother, they still break the trust. They say things like “I promised so and so I wouldn’t tell and I’m only telling you because……”. Or “I don’t think she would care if I told you…but promise me you won’t tell anyone else”.  I wonder how many relationships have been broken because one friend betrayed another friend by revealing a secret or sharing a private matter with someone else. Even for those of us who get away with telling a secret, The bible still says that you are a gossiper. (Prov 20:19).

                                     Why stop Gossiping?

 “For whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from speaking evil and his lips from speaking deceit”-  James 3:8

 “There are six things that the Lord hates… and one who sews discord among his brothers”- Prov 6:19

If the fact that God hates gossip isn’t a good enough reason for you to want to stop then perhaps you should take a look at your life and honestly ask yourself if you are happy.  The bible says that if you want to enjoy life and see good days ahead then to keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Ladies it’s time to stop justifying “WHY” we sometimes gossip and simply admit that it is a sin and it is wrong. The Bible says that with our mouth “we bless our father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God, From the same mouth come blessings and curses”. God does not enjoy us talking badly about his other children, just as he does not like it when people gossip about you. It is time to change.

           7 steps you can use THIS WEEK to dismiss the spirit of Gossip out of your life.

1.       Pray: The Bible says that we cannot tame the tongue our self, so pray that God’s Holy Spirit will give you the strength to resist the temptation to share a secret, spread a gossip, or pick up the gossip magazine at the hairdressers. Remember, in God’s eyes sin is sin. There is no ‘lower level’ of sin, it is all the same evil to God. Also remember that with every temptation God has provided a way out for you, God will not allow you to be tested beyond your strength. (James 3:8,1 Cor 10:3)

2.       Prepare yourself: Know in advance when you are most likely to be tempted to dabble in gossip. Maybe it is around certain family members, co-workers, friends. Be ready to have a plan of action. Memorize some of the scriptures that you read here and say them in your head throughout your day.

3.       Silence: The bible says there is a time to speak and a time to be silent. It also says whoever restrains their lips is wise.  Do what my friend Ashley did to me when I was gossiping about that Squash lady.  Do not respond, act impressed, nod your head, or “mhmm”.  In other words do not give the person any form of body language that says “you have my attention”. If it is you alone with the person gossiping and you do this, I can almost guarantee the person will take the hint and zip their lip. If they backtrack and apologize, don’t make them feel bad but simply tell them that you have decided to stay out of gossip. Maybe that will inspire them to do the same.

4.       Change the subject- This is the best way to get you, the gossiper, and the lovers of gossip out of an ugly situation. When you do change the subject, change it to something positive. If you are brave enough why not say “You guys let’s not focus all of our energy on the negative things, rather let’s talk about the good things in life, the things that make us happy”. Even if you don’t say this, but simple change the subject to something positive, you will see how fast the mood of the group will change.

5.       Take a stand: True friends will always stick up for their friends who are being bashed. Just like family will always stick up for family. But what about Gods other children. The Bible says that we bless the lord but curse each other who are made in Gods images and that this ought not to be so. (James 3:9-10) So I encourage you to stand up for the stranger who everyone is making fun of. In my story above, I didn’t necessarily enjoy having the new girl push her weight around, but I still stuck up for her when the ‘deceitful gossiper’ tried to get me to agree with her about not liking her. I took a stand, and said “ I like her, I think she is nice”. Be brave ladies, and let the wisdom of the Holy Spirit guide you.   

6.        Share: Sometimes we need to tell other people about our Character Building Plan to stop gossiping all together. If you are surrounded with deceitful gossipers, lovers of gossip, babblers, and slanderers and there is no way that you can avoid associating with them. Then tell them the truth. Share the reasons why you want to stop gossiping. Share with them what you have been learning since you have stopped gossiping. Politely tell them “From now on I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t tell me the latest gossip, or keep those magazines around me when I’m at your place because I am trying to stay out of gossip all together and so it would be nice to have your support”.  If they ask you why you are doing this, tell them the truth. God may be leading you to share your faith with them.

7.       Avoid: If you are really struggling with the temptation to gossip and people at work are not being affected by your good behavior but instead are infecting you with their gossip. Then you need to avoid them all together. The Bible says to not associate with gossipers, because if you around negative speaking people all day long then it will start to infect you. If that means that you have to sit alone during lunch instead of going out with your coworkers, then DO IT! Bring a book to work. Avoid the magazine section in 7-11 if you’re going to be tempted. Say no to the ladies night out if you know you are going to be infected by an hour of nonstop gossip. Instead, call up the friend who’s mouth is set on blessing other people.

                    In closing I want to quickly share a short story

When I was in grade 4 I did a horribly mean thing to my best friend Kaitlin. Afterschool I had my other good friend Ashley come over. We had this ‘great’ idea to hide Ashley on my bed behind a bunch of my teddy bears and see if Kaitlin would say anything bad about her. (I know so mean) So Kaitlin came over and sat on the bed with me facing her to distract her from looking at the clumped-together stuffed animals. Then I (being a deceitful gossiper) said “Do you like Ashley?”. “Yeah” Kaitlin replied. Then I said “I don’t really like Ashley, she is sooo annoying”.  Then Kaitlin agreed “Ya I do too, she is super annoying” This went on for maybe ten minutes until finally Ashley popped out of the teddy bears and said “BOO”. It was so mean, so incredibly mean. But I only bring this up because when we are tempted to gossip we need to ask ourselves if we would say what we plan on saying about the person, if they were hiding around the corner listening? If it isn’t something they would enjoy hearing, then don’t say it.

“let no corrupting talk come out of your mouth, but only such as is good for building one another up”  Ephesians 4:29

I encourage you today to make the decision if you want to see better days ahead and enjoy life. If you do, then you have got to work on taming your tongue, and stay away from the evil of gossip. Don’t be discouraged if you mess up here and there, just get back on your feet and keep trusting that God is changing you from Glory to Glory. Sooner or later you will lose the urge to be around gossip, dabble in it and you will begin to see how ugly it really is when you hear it. Look at it from the Bible’s perspective, the sooner we can master the temptation to be a gossip the sooner we will love everyday life see good days ahead. Amen!